Returning to the ashes

In the last week of January we had a week's holiday in the Otways, at the place my mother owns. If you look back to November's blogs, you'll see that Jen's ashes are buried on this property. I wasn't sure at first how I would feel about the presence of the ashes, but I was reassured. The outdoor bench was still there, and the small patch of garden next to it was intact.

Best of all was the feeling I had as I sat out on the bench - peaceful and reflective. On several days I spent an hour there writing poetry or listening to the birds. It was also a chance to speak aloud what I was experiencing - the loneliness, and the stresses of being a single parent. Even though Jen is not her ashes, I found it helpful to think of my words as being addressed to her.

I was pleased with the choice that Jen and I made to put her ashes there. There are two contributing factors to the way that it works for me. First of all, it's a beautiful place - a view of the ocean through the trees, the sound of birds or koalas, and a barely a house visible - and that is restful to the spirit. Secondly, the boys and I have made it significant by a deliberate choice, even by the ceremony of internment last November. The ashes are not important in themselves, for they do not contain anything valuable about Jen, but only in the symbolism that we have chosen to attach to the place.

At home, the chair in the kitchen garden is similarly connected with Jen by our own act of choosing, and again it's a beautiful place to sit and appreciate the garden. So far I've found that these deliberate acts of rememberance are vital to giving some form to our times of reflection. Some dates and places force themselves upon me. July 21st, the day of Jen's death, is right between the boys' birthdays - it was rather inconvenient of Jen to die just then -- and I'd like it if we could somehow translate our rememberance to a different day. We might even try Mother's Day (Secundus and I are planning to run the Mother's Day Classic again, with Jen's picture on our shirts).