Conversations with the Dead

At the end of the audio version of Simon Carr's book 'The Boys are Back in Town', the author has a conversation with his dead wife, in which he plays both sides. He talks about the choices he's had to make about the upbringing of his youngest son, and discusses his wife's objections. Perhaps to you that seems mysterious or macabre, but to me it felt quite normal. As Paul Kelly says in his song "Won't you come around", 'in my head it's always you that I'm talking to'. Mostly it is in my head - laying out the situation or the issue, imagining Jen's approach, and remembering her characteristic words. Part of this is a form of accountability, seeing my actions from the outside and measuring them against Jen's standards. Sometimes in difficult moments I find the solitude to talk out loud, and express my frustrations as well as my questions - why did you leave the boys to me? Sometimes I hear in my mind's ear the tone in which she might reply -- you need to look after yourself!

For often these conversations revolve around the compromises of being a single parent, and the choices that I have to make. It's easier for me to imagine Jen's criticisms than to imagine her encouragement, but that's really about my own limitations. For I know that if she could Jen would exercise her great gift of encouragement. It has been her confidence in me as a parent that has kept me going over the past two years. Very few parents believe they're doing a good job as parents, and it's even harder for single parents. We need ten times as much encouragement as we need advice.

Are these conversations anything more than a psychological trick? I want to talk with someone who knows the whole situation over years, who has known the boys from the beginning, and that can only be Jen as I imagine her. But real people are endlessly surprising (and sometime disappointing) even after fifteen years together. The Jen I have lost would be able to help me in ways that I can't imagine. The consolation is the hope that our conversations are not in fact over for ever but continue in God's new kingdom. Then I want my words not to be of excuses and compromises, but of love and rejoicing as we see something of what we worked for together.