Always something there to remind me

I've spent a lot of time looking at photographs of Jen. Between Jen's death and her funeral, we went through all our photos (and some from Jen's family) to find the best images. In the last two weeks, I've been through them all again, picking out images of Jen with each of the boys for some albums that we're creating. Contrary to what you might think, I don't find it a very emotional process.

Perhaps it's because at the moment, I don't have any trouble remembering Jen. Everything in my life, everything in the house, is all connected with Jen. I haven't yet made a special effort to put photos up, other than making some use of our digital photo frame. More than that though, the photos don't give me what I want, which is Jen herself.

In C. S. Lewis's book "A Grief Observed" there are a couple of striking quotes:

What pitiable cant to say 'She will live forever in my memory!' Live? That's is exactly what she won't do. ...... Will nothing persuade us that they are gone? What's left? A corpse, a memory, and (in some versions) a ghost. All mockeries or horrors. Three more ways of spelling the word 'dead'. It was H. I loved. As if I wanted to fall in love with my memory of her, an image in my own mind?

Later on he writes:

I want H., not something that is like her. A really good photograph might become in the end a snare, a horror, and an obstacle.

Lewis comments that he didn't really have any good photographs of his wife. I feel privileged in one way because I have hundreds in total, and quite a few really nice ones, not to mention quite a bit of video shot since last December. Yet I do sympathise with his feeling. The effort I'm putting into photographs now is a recognition that they may one day be very important for me and for the boys, as memory fades. I know that for others further away, who have little to remind them of Jen, photographs may be very significant now. I'm also continuing an effort to collect written reminiscenes from friends, especially from the time before we were married, so that in years to come we do have a richer picture of who Jen was throughout her life. Any contributions to that are extremely welcome.